A Letter to My Sister

Ang,

I could write for hours, I’ll attempt to keep my note today simple & to the point. I miss you. We hurt. I hurt. My pain is unbearable, but I mask it pretty well. I cry for you every single day. You should be here. Your ugly disease shouldn’t have lead you down the path of self destruction. You suffered. Your kids suffered. Mom suffered. Tom suffered. I suffered. My girls suffered. Our family suffered. Your friends suffered. Acquaintances suffered.  I carry the hurt that you felt, the pain that you had – emotionally, mentally and physically. Oh, how I wish I could have taken that away from my baby sister. That’s what we do as big sisters, huh? But I couldn’t. And that still hurts tremendously. I couldn’t make this better for you.

Thank you for guiding me back to living my life. That jump off the stratosphere was amazing, wasn’t it? This 1st year without you has been absolute hell for me. I really don’t know how else to explain it to you.  I know, this surprises you – a lot. Well, it took losing you to realize that I wasn’t cold hearted after all. Or, your loss shocked my heart.  I remember our conversations when you would tell me over & over that I was so cold, I never cried unless I was mad and didn’t care about anything. No, baby sister, that was me trying to be the strong one and your protector.

The past week I’ve been replaying the past year over and over in my head.  Especially the 3-weeks leading up until May 2.  Do you realize that the 1st time that I really cried, actually cried was on April 30 of last year when they told mom and me that I had to make your end of life decision?  Sitting next to you, hearing those words felt like I was sitting in an empty room with an echo, repeating those dreadful words over & over & over. Stunned, disbelief, angry, sad, overwhelmed. I didn’t want that decision on my shoulders, although I knew you were suffering.

I actually did and do love you; I hope that you know that.

Yesterday (Easter) was the first holiday that I wanted to attempt to celebrate. I remember how much you loved my ham dinners, the way dad would make them. Another sore subject. I tried real hard. Woke up with every intention of making it through the day without a speed bump. That lasted until I was blow drying my hair & Burning House began to play on my playlist. I lost it. (to understand what I’m telling Angela, click on this link Burning House. I spent a couple of hours with Alexis. Devin (aka Darwin) even came for a bit. I enjoyed spending time with her.  She misses her Auntie. We always talk about you and how much you loved the girls.  Last night Lindsey sent me a text with a couple of pictures of you and her. You were young & free of pain. Beautiful. Loving on your sweet niece.  Lindsey misses you very much too.

Some days I sit at work, staring at my phone – waiting for you to begin an argument with me about something. As frustrating as it was, I sure do miss receiving those messages from you.  I remember being busy working; not replying and you were like clockwork – blowing up my phone like that crazy ex-girlfriend. Oh, what I would do to be pissed off at you for bothering me at work just one.more.time.

To be honest, I don’t have it in me to delete your text messages. That’s the only communication that I have left between us.  I haven’t been able to go back through the messages to read them, but I do re-read one of the last messages where you told me that you loved me. Something that I did not say to you enough. Please forgive me for that. I believe that you know how much I love you.  I would do anything to bring you back, take away your pain and hug you one more time. Sweet.sweet.sister.

As we wearily creep into tomorrow – two extremely tragic memories for our families. For the kids & Gayle especially, as we think of Jeff & miss him dearly acknowledging the day that they (we) lost him. He would be so proud of both of the kids (as you would). Cayla is absolutely beautiful and doing amazing academically towards the end of her senior year.  Jeffrey is excelling at Golf and doing well in school, your little boy is all grown up 🙂  I know that you both are smiling and proud of these beautiful kids.

Tomorrow also marks the day that your disease guided you into making the final decision that ultimately ended your life 14 days later.

I carry so many ‘If only’, ‘What if’s?’, ‘Why’s?’ around in my head……unfortunately I will never know.

As I go about my day tomorrow, as I do each day, you will not be far from my mind.

I love you more than words,
xoxoxo Shell

PS–I believe that you led me to this song. I listen to it often. When I begin to feel overwhelmed by grief and confusion I turn this song on. Thank you for bringing me here:

Sissy’s Song —  Sissy’s Song – Alan Jackson ❤