A Sign from my Sister….

For anyone that is suffering loss and trudging through what feels like an endless journey of grief you will understand what I’m saying. Everybody handles their grief differently, circumstances are different; loved ones lived a full life, some taken too soon, some by suicide, addiction or even recklessly. Along each journey I’ve prayed for my lost loved one to help guide me and give me some sort of sign that it is going to get better. That I will be okay without them. With the exception of my father & sister they came without hesitation……

9 months 20-something days after losing my baby sister she finally gave me the push, literally, that I needed to begin living life again. For me, myself and I.  With each anxiety attack, sob session, moments alone listening to the songs chosen for her funeral, each time I re-watched the DVD of her Funeral Service, and tearful car rides I would talk to her and ask her why this has to be so hard, why she chose me to make the final decision on her behalf and when it is going to get easier. I asked her to please give me some sort of sign that I will be okay and begin to somehow move forward through the pain without such paralyzing grief and anxiety. Life was becoming exhausting all around.

So, you see…..I’m terrified of heights; my friend Chris (see my Livin’ Life Blog Post for her story) asked me to jump off the Stratosphere while in Las Vegas. When I agreed little did I know that this jump was 885 ft. high and 108 stories from the ground. I almost lost my lunch watching a video of it.  I will admit that there was a point where I “chickened” out, but my co-worker more or less bet me & challenged me. And when that happens, my competitiveness comes right out; and my fear disappears momentarily.

I was absolutely terrified on the ride from the resort to the Stratosphere. I was in a zone. Shaking like a leaf. But I went through with it. Got suited up. Then they asked me to take my necklace off; I stated that my sisters ashes were there and I wanted her with me. I couldn’t for safety pre-cautions; but the girl said “she’ll be right there with you”. Little did I know, she would be. 

Still shaking like a leaf, Chris and I headed up to staging – she went first. I couldn’t watch. I was about to be sick. There was a crowd of people gathered around to watch us.  It was my turn……I will say, I was terrified up until the jump and suddenly every ounce of fear was gone; Ang gave me that push, not only the push off the platform, but the push that I needed to get back to living my life. She was there with me for that exhilarating, life changing experience. My sister, my guardian angel. She knew it was time for me to move forward & begin living life again, and this time for myself; to take care of me.

I walked away from that experience with a completely different outlook on life. Live for Myself. Take Chances. Find Happiness. Love. Be Myself. Stand up for Me. <—all things that I’ve struggled to do all of my life.  I owe it to my Guardian Angel for guiding me and taking the jump of a lifetime with me.

She’s always in my heart, never far from my thoughts, lessened my bad days, but she gave me life back.  Although she’s not with me here on earth, she’s still taking care of me when she knows I need her.

While I miss her terribly, I will always be thankful for the 39 years that I had with her. And as she guides me through the next chapter of my life, I’m confident she’ll give me a push when I hesitate, pick me up when I fall, continue to teach me how to do something I’ve never done before: live.for.me.