Anxiety, I Didn’t Choose You

Wish I had known……..that anxiety was going to rear it’s ugly head this far into my grief journey.

Since losing my sister in May, my brain has been scattered, busy, sloppy and forgetful. I seem to be feeling a little worse anxiety-wise the past few of months.  I have several half-written posts that I started and have had difficulty finishing. It seems as if I’m attempting to put the puzzle pieces together in my head but the thoughts don’t make it to my fingertips and onto the screen. It is beyond frustrating. Almost infuriating.

Have you ever really suffered from real anxiety; either Anxiety Disorder or Anxiety from Grief? I hadn’t, and I’m not thrilled that this has become a daily struggle. I’ve felt so mentally disorganized, nervous, irritable and just plain lost at times.

It’s a Damn Shame and pretty freakin’ sad that I am continuously explaining to people that Anxiety is Real!

**I know, I shouldn’t waste my time on some peoples willful ignorance & lack of thoughtfulness and/or respect for what I’ve gone through and what I continue to go through each day. But, that’s who I am….I’m all about AWARENESS…..not just for me, for everyone suffering from this awful reality.  I’ve lived my life over the past 26 years masking my hurt and pain; pretending for the sake of what others would think of me – Life is too short for that. If people don’t care to at least understand, they don’t need me in their life.**

Again, that’s just me. I’ve always been one to be on top of things. I could multitask. I could run circles around people and do more in an 8 hour day than 3 people – now I struggle to complete one task without completely losing my mind. I was articulate, explaining things in great detail – now I forget which words to use; mid-sentence. I could go into a restaurant full of people without being anxious & frightened. I was happy when my phone alerted me of a text message. I used to maintain a straight face, even when frustrated & furious. The list goes on…….

Here are two analogies to help me better explain how I feel on a daily basis……there is not one part of me that enjoys it.

1. Anxiety is when you leave the house and feel like you have forgotten something but can’t remember what it is, and worrying about it all the time. 

2. Anxiety is the mini heart attack you receive when you’re walking down the stairs and miss a step, but your heart never calms down and the butterflies remain in the pit of your stomach.

Please, the next time you are about to be hard on someone, take time to count to 10, and remember – they could be fighting a battle that nobody knows about.