Reflecting on 2016 – The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

While I will never go around with my head hanging low, sulking, tell people how badly I have it – I must say that 2016 is not one that I want to replay nor would I wish anyone to step in my shoes and walk through.

–When I coaxed my co-workers husband onto the stage with a live band to dance with me in front of the packed bar, after our work party last January 10 – life as I knew it was going good.

*I never thought that two weeks later I would be sitting next to my sister in the ICU watching her fight for her life, being told she wasn’t going to leave the hospital*

When I brought my precious black lab pup, Stella home on the afternoon of February 27 – life was going great 

**2/27 – same day, different topic; that was also the 25th annv of my dad leaving the life he knew. If you are my FB friend and see my pics, you’d never notice by the smile on my face and twinkle in my eyes that I was having a bad day, huh?—-that’s how we survivors roll**

*When we celebrated my sisters birthday on March 11, who would’ve thunk that it was her last?*

 

I think you see the pattern here. I never knew what was going to happen next. This was 6 years in the making. #rollercoaster

I knew that my sisters disease was allowing her to self-destruct, and it was hurting her, but I had NO idea how quickly it would take her from us.

After a quick, unplanned vacation to Florida – for some much needed R&R I had no idea what I was flying back home to, or did I? Well, technically I did; I got a heads up from the hospital right before my flight. April 21 is the day that 2016 took its turn for me.

I’ve already blogged about the life events; you can read those if you haven’t. I can confidently tell you that I had no idea when I rang in 2016 that I would:

• have to make the decision to not prolong my sisters life
• lose my sister to addiction
• prepare my sisters celebration of life
• be the first person to speak at her funeral
• be in grief counseling, grieving not only Angela, but also my dad

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Throughout 2016, yes, the unthinkable has happened – but a lot of good has come from this year and this awful tragedy. I have learned a lot, met wonderful people whom I now consider close friends, and have reconnected with old friends.

A few things that I’ve learned in 2016….

Through this journey, that I continue on – I have learned who my true friends are. And that is okay.

I’ve learned that my true friends; the ones that really know, care about and understand me; although they don’t have a clue about my exact grief – will love me and be here; always. Thank you to those of you (friends & family) that have been patient with me, been there for me, understood and respected that nobody’s grief is the same. – and for respecting & understanding it is not only my sister that I am trying to grieve; it is my father – whom I’ve been attempting to grieve for 25 years.

*while I have never asked for pity (I LOATHE PITY), the people that have just listened if I’ve needed to talk, let me be when I’ve said I don’t want to talk about anything, understood when I said I’ve truly changed, respected it and believed me, let me be alone when I feel overwhelmed with life and just need to decompress, forgiven me and believed me when I have forgotten something (which is a daily occurrence),  let me be when I’m overwhelmed with anxiety, understood that right now I just need to take care of Michelle, I can’t continue being told I’m the bad guy for not giving people enough attention*   Anything that I am doing is not because of a personal vendetta – it is because I want to live the rest of my life in happiness, and not travel the road that my sister and/or dad did. Therefore, this is why the latter part of 2016, continuing into 2017 will be focused on taking care of me. I’ve had a hell of a life, it’s MY TURN to be truly happy and OKAY. I will do whatever I need to do. I have 4 kids & a mom to make memories with!

I have learned that I’ve impacted a lot of lives; I’ve made new, very close friends – people I would’ve never met if it weren’t for this journey.

I’ve learned that I actually am pretty frickin independent. Who would’ve thunk it? I jokingly call myself “Me-yonce”

I’ve learned that I am very fragile yet strong and to handle myself with care.

I’ve learned that I inspire people; although I don’t see it 😉

I’ve learned that I actually do have a heart and cry other than when I am mad (I was honestly worried for a while) – no joke

I’ve learned that a close friend saw me as ‘stoic’ the last time I saw them (this obviously baffles me a bit, and yes I obsess about things) – I know that I do a good job wearing a happy face and people that do not know me wouldn’t know of my hardships……I thought I was a good one at vocalizing/showing my feelings otherwise – but as I’ve reflected, I’m a little like Fort Knox………something I will work hard at changing this year.

I’ve learned that as much as I love my job, I’ve done a good job burying myself in my work this year to numb my pain.

Lastly – I know it will continue to be tough, but it WILL get so much better. There is so much life yet to live! I have so much to give; this world and some lucky people! I’m not done living, I’m healing – my life is only beginning.

CHEERS TO A NEW YEAR!