Why Do I Commemorate my Father?

I am sure that many are silently asking themselves why I choose to commemorate my father on the anniversary of the day he chose to leave us.  I can guess that the ones that choose to judge or question it have not endured such loss (apparent suicide with not an ounce of closure), trauma or anything significantly life-changing.

While I am recalling this date and showing my father respect, I am by no means celebrating this day. In all honesty, the first several years were a little easier – I was numb to the fact that he was gone, I chose to dedicate as little time as possible to thinking about it and the events surrounding it. I denied the reality of his demise altogether. This was easier for me.

The month of February since 1991 has always affected me. While most days I am walking around with a smile on my face, (something I’ve learned to do quite well) in reality I am crying inside. Unfortunately for me, I have an exceptional memory and have total recall of the events leading up to February 27. I remember the phone conversation verbatim that I had with my dad the evening of February 26, I can not only remember when my mom had to tell us about my father – I can visualize the entire conversation, what I was wearing and me falling onto the floor crying uncontrollably. I vividly remember specific conversations at my father’s visitation, including when my Psychology Teacher walked in holding out his arms as I collapsed into the arms of comfort and safety sobbing hysterically.  <<< these are only a couple of items that cross my mind every.single.day >>>>and more often during the month of February.

And because I now realize that I never truly grieved the physical loss of my father those first 25 years, the past two years have been especially hard. It took my sister dying for me to realize that I never truly grieved the loss of my father & the fact that there was no closure to knock me down. I was grieving the idea of him being gone.

You see – my dad was in the public limelight for his entire career. He touched many lives. So, instead of quietly remembering him, I commemorate him publicly – sharing his memory with all of my contacts in the social media world; many of whom were connected with him in some way. Yes, this does force them to think about him, if even for a split second. They see his picture, read my post and either learn about him for the first time or remember something special about him. I feel that this is the least I can do for my dad.

My dad owned the room when he walked in; a natural leader with a commanding presence, and not because he was a 6’4 Dutchman solidly built. His smile was infectious. To know him was to love him. He had a charismatic personality. He was attentive. He was smart.

I could continue on…….but I’m sure you get it.

On this day, 27 years ago, my life changed forever. I have learned not to let this event define me, but it has definitely made me the person that I am today.

• I forgive gracefully
• I care deeply
• I am a better friend
• I appreciate everything that life has to offer
• I love harder
• I hold no judgment

Parents — please go home & love on your kids. Kids – please go home & love on your parents. Friends – please let your friends know how much they mean to you.

^^^^^I wish that I could be lovin’ on my dad right now instead of blogging my thoughts.

Dad…..
Did you ever know that you’re my hero,
And everything I would like to be?
It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
But I’ve got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.