When You’ve Lived my Life You Can Judge Me

It amazes me how self-centered people are. They are the first to judge and question someone like me that has been through such a traumatic event.

–What happened to Michelle?
–Why is she so anti-social since her sister died?
–She used to be fun…
–Why does she seem sad all of the time?
–Why is she so scatter-brained?
–Why does she cry all of the time?
–Why is she so anxious?
–Why doesn’t she respond to messages?
–Why has she changed so much?
–Why does she get frustrated so easily?
–Why doesn’t she get over it?
–The list goes on…….

And the people that have never known trauma or grief; they prefer to make a mountain out of a molehill, knowing this hurting girl doesn’t have the fight in her and use it to their advantage.

The once boisterous blonde, life of the party, always genuinely smiling, laughing – seeming not to have a worry in the world. The same blonde that would give you the shirt off her back without question; regardless of the return treatment. She still does, and with more passion than ever. The silly broken girl that has painfully lived through so much loss that all she knows to do is wrap her arms and heart around the people that mean the most to her, regardless of how much they hurt her heart. The once boisterous, now broken blonde attempting to mask her pain, her wounds for the interest of everyone else around her; not herself.

The past couple of weeks have been the most painful since losing my sister. I feel as if I thought I would be safe attempting to do normal things once I hit the one year anniversary mark. Boy was I wrong. My anxiety has been uncontrollable. I feel as if I have no control of anything. My heart is pounding out of my chest, I cannot sleep, and my hands are literally shaking at all times. I have done nothing except for cry while alone, be judged by so-called friends because I should apparently be A-ok by now because it has been over one year. All the while, I’ve learned the hard way who are true friends; the ones that say that they value me and actually mean it. I’ve also learned those who have claimed to value my friendship but don’t have a hard time making me feel as if I am an inconvenience & can never say a damn thing that is correct.  I feel as if I have no self-worth. Not a good feeling to add to the constant, severe anxiety that creeps up on me each day.

There comes a time in each persons life where you need to rid of what is hurting you. I know that I have no control over the grief that I have to work through; but I do have a choice as to how I allow others to treat me or act towards me. As painful as it is for me, and I don’t feel as if I can bear much more loss, I need to surround myself by people that know my worth.