A Sweet Taste of Hell

Did you know that nearly 23 million Americans—almost one in 10—are addicted to alcohol or other drugs?

After Ang passed I wrote a letter to a friend (basically journal writing), giving brief examples of the Roller Coaster Ride that I’d been on…..I will begin sharing as time allows.

Ang & I have alcoholism/addiction on both sides of our family. The odds were against us. Our father, grandmother, great-grandfather and an Aunt & Uncle. So far, I’m beating the odds and that’s what I plan to do – I will not let the demon get me.

February 2013  
Imagine taking leave from your job, just to come home to serve your only sister court papers revoking her rights as a parent, having an emergency hearing to be appointed Guardian to your niece and nephew. All because my sisters addiction kicked it’s battle into high-gear and landed her hospitalized. Showing up at the hospital on a Tuesday afternoon; sitting at the end of your sister’s hospital bed waiting for her to wake up so I could hand her a document letting her know that she no longer has legal control of her kids.  The look that she gave me and cruel words she used will never be far from my mind. Glaring at me, seething; she proceeded to tell me that she “f**king hated me and how dare I use her kids against her; how dare I show up to ‘be the hero’.  And when she got the kids back at the hearing 30 days later for review, that I would never see my niece and nephew again”.  I had never seen such anger and hate flow through her. I hope she knows now that I did the things that I did to try to save her, keep the kids protected and because I wholeheartedly loved her.

It was that moment that I realized that this addiction is no joke, it was battling her full-force and began slowly winning it’s battle.

If you are a loved one of an addict or an addict yourself; you know that they want control of everything.

Being an addict she never understood that the attempt that I made to help her and save her life.  I begged her, pleaded, cried, yelled, screamed, asking her to please go into Rehab because her kids and our mother needed her healthy.  I told her while I was with her kids, it would give her a wonderful opportunity to seek treatment while not having to worry about what was happening at home.  Being an addict and alcoholic; she refused and her mission was not to seek treatment; because she was ‘OK’ – and I learned the hard way that ‘if they don’t seek treatment on their own, it will not last’.

Instead of going to stay with my parents as suggested she stayed at the home as well. She was bound & determined to make every minute living under the same roof a sweet taste of what hell would be like.  I can vividly remember her looking me in the eye the day she got home and told me she would do anything she needed to do to get the kids back, even if it meant lying to the judge about what I did while under her roof taking care of the kids. The month living with her was a very sad, heart-wrenching hell.

I took the time there to do a thorough search of the home and remove any and all alcohol bottles – full or empty. It blew my mind where I would find them hidden; there was one in every single room of the house.

At the hearing, she pulled out all of the stops – lied, manipulated, even showed up intoxicated; but nobody seemed to care. Talk about defeat when all you’re trying to do is save her damn life.  Once the ruling was made, she told me that I was to leave her home  and that she never wanted me to contact the kids again.  Talk about a feeling of anguish. I drove to the house, packed my things, got in my car and drove back to Kansas. Crying for most my the 11 hour drive.  Not only had I lost my sister, I was losing her children. I was filled with sadness, anger, helplessness, regret, you name the emotion, I felt it.