Of Course I’m Angry

-16 year old high school junior.

-dad ‘apparently’ dies by his own hand.

-well known throughout West Michigan.

-his demise is all over the news for days.

-his death is on the front page of the papers for a full week.

-his death & his position as a narcotics officer is smeared in the local paper for 4 months after his demise.

What is there not to be angry about? My father has left us. I feel hurt and that manifests itself into anger. As human beings, we have a tendency to look for someone to blame. We usually do this in our anger because we’re trying to make sense of what has happened, trying to understand why our loved one has left us. More times than none, our anger and blame are misdirected and hurt the people we care about the most. 

I was once described as a ‘Pressure Cooker’ by my counselor; I was so angry and traumatized with the way my father left us; I’d take it all in, everything and when least expected – I’d blow. ~it is a work in process; and I’m working real hard to fix this~

I would take anything negative that was said, or something that someone close would do to make me angry, hurt, etc. and never say a word.  That left me not forgiving and weeks, even months down the road it would happen again, the vicious cycle, becoming upset or hurt and burying it deep down, then without understanding why and at the most unexpected times; I’d blow and the months of anger, hurt, etc. would all flow out; very hurtful. I’d feel a little better, and move forward without resolving or forgiving.

I began this vicious cycle when my dad decided to abandon the life that he knew, crush his entire family, his colleagues, the young children’s lives that he touched, the community that loved and respected him, the high-profile attorneys, members of law enforcement and friends that he bravely supported down their path to sobriety and the numerous inmates whom he attempted to guide down the right path. The list of people he hurt goes on.

I have not been able to forgive him. I love him. I hadn’t forgiven him. I didn’t know how. I remained angry.

I need to remind you, I idolized my dad, loved him, still love him with all that I have. My dad was my world; and as much as I hurt, I will defend his honor, no.matter.what.  

I’ve said this to myself several times over the past 25 years:

“What a mess he left behind for me to clean up; this makes me so angry.”

Anger is such an integral part of the grief process. It comes at all stages in different doses.  Anger is fear.  Anger at the person who died, anger at ourselves for not detecting it, anger at others. It is okay to be angry at someone who has forevermore disrupted our lives…and we had no vote in the final decision. I’ve recently come to the harsh realization that I’ve held onto this anger for much too long; and I needed to move past this anger & allow myself to actually properly grieve my father.

I sadly came to this realization when I lost my sister, 25-long-years after losing my father, not having closure; but I was positive that I had already grieved him.

Boy.was.i.wrong.