Grief has Changed Me

On the outside you see a 42 year old mother, daughter, friend, business professional. Someone whom when others see my outward happiness, smile, kindness, unconditional love, infectious laugh, crazy sense of humor & strength; you would never imagine that behind that smile, the twinkle in my eye, my infectious laugh is a sad, vulnerable young girl who lost her dad to an apparent suicide at the age of 16. A young woman whose brother-in-law took his own life and left behind his wife and two young children just 6 short years ago. And lastly; an only Big Sister who couldn’t save her baby sister from her 6-year battle with addiction; and not only could I not save her, I had to make the decision that it was time to allow her to pass as peacefully and pain-free as possible; this tugs at my heart every day. I lost her in May of this year.  You can also throw in two additional close family member suicides through the years.

We all have our story; I truly believe that until you walk in somebody’s shoes; you shall not judge them. The grief that comes with losing a loved one is unbearable; serve that unbearable grief with a sprinkle of suicide and a dash of death by addiction and you now have yourself a Traumatic Flurry topped with some whipped tragedy along with guilt & no closure. Imagine ordering that at your local ice cream shop……In the past when I’ve chosen to share that I am the Death of a Loved one by Suicide & Addiction Traumatic Flurry, I was hesitant and a little embarrassed for having endured so much, so young. It’s not something to brag about, but the grief I’ve endured can certainly make me relate a little better to a loved one who’s survived such tragedy as I have.

For the past 25 years I have been in denial; I honestly believed that I was the normal girl that grew up in the hood building lifelong friendships with all the boys. The girl that became thick skinned and could hold her own.

Well. I was wrong.

Now that I look back and have spent time in counseling since Ang passed, I’ve learned that I’m broken, and have been broken and have attempted on my own to find short-term solutions to “be happy”. Don’t get me wrong, the majority of my adult life has been great; I have two smart, beautiful daughters, I have an excellent career, I’ve met so many good people along the way. And a lot of those people never knew the emptiness inside, the sadness and pain that I bury beneath the surface every day. I’m a good one for putting that smile on my face and radiate happiness no matter what the circumstance .
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Well friends, the day I lost my sister to addiction my world went crashing down. Not only because I lost my only sibling; but because I had never truly grieved my father’s apparent suicide.  Talk about a double whammy. Suddenly, the elephant landed on my chest and I couldn’t breath. I didn’t understand what was happening to me; I couldn’t catch my breath; I sobbed uncontrollably every moment I was alone, whether I was in my car, my office, out walking my pups, locked in the bathroom, …..you name it, I’ve broken down there. I’ve isolated myself; I highly dislike being around people; I may look happy as can be but you can bet your butt that my hands are shaking and I’m on the verge of having a panic attack.

I always wonder where I would be in life if I hadn’t endure the tragedies that I did so young. Would I be the feisty lawyer that I always dreamt of being? Would I have pursued Criminal Justice like my father? Would I have waited for Prince Charming to find me?  Would I be more patient? Would I be able to focus?…the list goes on. Then I wonder if Ang would still be here if we hadn’t endured those tragedies. When I think about that I become angry and have a twinge of dislike for my father…..I frequent his grave; and as much as I idolized him, I let him know that his selfish act; only thinking of himself landed his daughter dead because she couldn’t accept his death and couldn’t deal with the trauma. And her only relief was to numb that pain. How dare he hurt my baby sister.

This blurb gives you a fraction of my thoughts when I lay down to close my eyes at night.

grief has changed me. i don’t think i’ll ever fully recover. grief will change you. if you grieve a suicide or an addict it will turn your world upside down and then some.

If you are concerned about a loved one, whether suicide comments have been made or if someone is addicted, regardless of if they want your help; help them, be the bad guy if you have to.  Attempt to save yourself from the life changing grief you will encounter.