connect.support.listen.grieve.suicide. addiction.

Have you lost a close family member or friend to suicide?
-you’re not alone.

Have you lost a close family member or friend to addiction?
-you’re not alone.

Do you cry sometimes when you hear your loved ones favorite song?
-you’re not alone.

Do you spend endless hours replaying the last time you were with the person who committed suicide? Asking why didn’t I see a sign? Did I do something to upset them?  Were they afraid to reach out to me?
-you’re not alone.

During the month of their “anniversary” of their death do you feel paralyzed with grief?  Do you not want to adult that month? Do you want to hibernate until that painful month passes? Do you get angry at your loved one for leaving?
-you’re not alone.

Do you not understand how an addict “just can’t stop” to save themselves?
-you’re not alone.

I’ve been living with loss by suicide for over 25 years. Loss with no closure.  The pain is less on some days than on others. I refuse to allow people to give me sympathy or show me pity; I’ve heard it all. I would rather have someone genuinely tell me “I know how you are feeling, I’ve been where you are.” Those people can relate, they can understand, and they can empathize with why you feel the way you do.  They also may have suggestions or ideas to help you overcome the painful, overwhelming grief that you are feeling.

I was wearing my shield of strength pretty well until my only sister slowly took her own life. She succumbed to her addiction. Slowly and painfully. While leaving me feeling helpless because I am the “fixer”. I wanted so badly to fix her, but I knew that I was not only battling her, I was in a full out battle with the overbearing, powerful addiction she was succumbing to. And I lost. My sister lost. Our entire family lost.

While I know that I am only beginning this awful process called grief – again; I have always found writing therapeutic; and while I’m still hesitant to share my side of death by suicide and addiction – I’m hopeful to help at least one person, whether it be a survivor of a loved one by suicide or even a sister who’s attempting to save her sister or brother from their addiction.

Although I am new at this “blogging” thing, I am going to attempt to post on different feelings I have had, sharing what I’ve endured, sharing things that have helped me and hurt me, and mistakes I’ve made.  While doing this I hope that my side of suicide and addiction will reach people that can relate and find some sort of comfort in their own journey.